So after I woke up completely and the nurse got me up and into a chair my husband walked in with a shocked look on his face. When he last saw me I was still lying in the bed and pretty much just drifting in and out. He explained to me what had happened and that it all started with an overdose. Right then and there I denied all pain medication. I had a central line which is an I.V. with several ports that went through my collar bone area and straight to my heart. The only thing I would allow them to give me was antibiotics, for the pneumonia, and food. I had a feeding tube, couldn't even stand the thought of eating. I also got shots of blood thinner and insulin through my stomach. Every time a nurse touched my lines I made sure to ask what I was getting. I was so terrified of being overdosed again. I can't even describe how much pain I was in but the fear was stronger. The nurses would beg me to allow them to give me meds to help with my sleep and pain meds, but I didn't trust them. On the first night that I had been awake all day a new nurse was assigned to me. My husband had never seen her and she was very rude to him. They had a disagreement on how late he could stay with me. I didn't want to be left alone, but I was in I.C.U and my husband wasn't allowed to stay past 9 p.m. He sat and watched me until I drifted off. I woke up shortly after. I was in indescribable pain and just lay in the bed watching television and crying. The nurse kept asking me to let her give me pain meds and something to help me sleep, but I was too scared, with good reason. So when you are being fed intravenously you can get a little diabetic. So I was getting blood thinner shots and insulin shots through my stomach. At 1a.m. that morning a nurse came in to test my blood sugar. She told me it was 116, I asked what that meant, she said it meant I didn't have to get an insulin shot for a couple of hours. A few minutes later the nurse walked in and started to lift up my gown, I asked her if that was my blood thinner, she said "No, it's your insulin". I said, I don't need insulin. She said, "Yes you do, your blood sugar is 162". I said, "The Hell it is, you'd better check again, I'm fully awake and on no medication that could affect my mind." She was not pleased with me and said, "If I don't give you this shot you will go into a diabetic coma.". I sad, "You are not touching me until you bring the other nurse back and re test me, I know what I heard". She stomped out of the room all annoyed with me. She returned 15 minutes later with a sweet little apologetic tone. "You are right" she said. I started crying, I was so scared, I knew I had to be awake to make sure they didn't kill me. She said, "I'm so sorry, please let me give you something for the pain and to help you sleep". I said, "Oh Hell No! I obviously have to be awake to stay alive." I never saw her again after that. It's hard to explain bone pain other than saying it's pure agony and there is no medication for it. Just medication to make you not care. I denied All pain meds until my last day and night in the hospital. I was in for a month. Most of that time in I.C.U. I lied to my doctors and told them I had no pain. And as soon as they left the room I would break down crying. The nurses would come in to check on me in the night and see me crying. Still, I didn't trust anyone at this point. I wanted to make sure I didn't fall asleep and die again. Finally my husband made me tell the truth to the doctor. He called him in and told him I had something to confess. I looked at him and said, "I've been lying, I'm in A Lot of Pain, but I'm scared of the medication." I started crying. He said, "well this is a first, most of my patients lie about having pain so they can get more meds." And here I am not wanting any. He said, "I knew you were in pain, you just had major spine surgery." So we came to an agreement that I would not receive any pain meds unless I asked for them. Found out later that had I not been awake in the I.C.U when the nurse tried to give me insulin I would have died. When I was awake in the I.C.U., I had a parade of doctors and nurses coming in to see me. They were all there to see that I made it. Most of them had worked on me when I first coded. I didn't know any of them, but they knew me and were checking on me everyday before they started or left their shift. It was very sweet. When I made it out of the I.C.U. and back to the surgical floor, the nurse that overdosed me just sat holding my hand and crying. She told me how worried she was about me and that after that she could barely drive home. She said she was shaking too much. She ended up being such a sweetheart. I felt sorry for her, I can't imagine thinking that you may have accidentally killed your patient. She would sit with me and hold my hand through all the pain. I wish I remembered her name, I would like to visit her. Would like to show her what I look like as a normal person. Stay tuned for more fond memories in the future.
Leigha
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